Yes...I'm still among the living!

I've had two people now comment on how long it's been since I've blogged so I thought I better post an update before I hear anything else! :-) Although I must admit that it's nice to know people are reading this & care (thanks Jane & Ralph!).

So...where to begin? I guess I do have a lot to say even though I've not taken the time to do so.

Why haven't I been blogging? I've been extremely tired. I think this is due to many factors...1) I've gotten used to relaxing this summer. Relaxing is something I tend to have a problem doing because I always keep myself so busy, but I truly & honestly was able to relax this summer & loved every minute of it. Now that I'm back in school...it's kicking my butt! 2) It's been very hot & humid the past few weeks so our rooms are very warm & muggy. That makes for a very long day & tends to drain the energy very quickly. 3) I'm used to getting approx. 9 hrs. of sleep each night this summer. In order to get up at 6:30, I'd have to go to bed by 9:30. I've not been ready to do that (although I have been in bed between 10 & 10:30 each night which is early for me) so I'm getting less sleep (although I'm still averaging 8 hrs., but my body really needs 9).

How's school been going? It's going well, but as you read above, it's been very warm. The students are so happy to see me, and I've enjoyed their hugs. But...for the first time since I started teaching...I'm not as enthusiastic. I hope as the school year progresses that I'm able to get a bit more excited about things. It's not that I'm not enjoying it, but I'm not as excited about it. I had a fellow teacher tell me she went through the same phase about the same time in her teaching career so I'm hoping it's just that...a phase.

How am I doing? It just depends on the day you ask to be very honest. I'm going through a valley right now so it's been a little hard to see the sunshine, but I know it's there...just up ahead at the top of the mountain. Some of it is just your typical female hormones (ya' gotta love 'em), and part of it is still me trying to deal with my heartbreak. I was telling a friend tonight that I feel like this is so stupid...I know that this was for the best & I know that God has something better planned for me...but...I still let it get to me & bother me. At the beginning of July, I handled it all so well but that was because I was down with mom & dad so I was able to avoid it. I didn't deal with it. Now I'm dealing with it, but I wish I'd deal a little more quickly. Does that make any sense? Even though I know what I know, my heart is still hurting & my emotions tend to take over. I really am alright...I'm just going through a little downtime (sound familiar...it was part of the song lyrics I posted back in August).

What have I been up to? I just had the opportunity to attend the wedding of two of my dear friends from SoloCon this past weekend. Scott & Tammy met last year during the Labor Day weekend SoloCon in Michigan and just really hit it off. It's been so fun to see the love develop between them and to see how happy they both are. There's no doubt that they were meant to be together! It was great to see them this weekend and to be at their wedding. I also had the opportunity to see Don (another friend from SoloCon), and we went out country dancing both Friday & Saturday night. On Sunday, I went to a cookout at Traci & Jeromy's house, and the final day of our long weekend was spent with Traci. We started out by golfing (and getting eaten alive by mosquitoes...I counted 22 bites on my legs - that's not counting the ones on my arms), had lunch, and then did a little shopping. Neither of us really wanted the weekend to end. :-)

So...now that I've bored you all to death with the update...we should be good to go. I'll try to not let another week pass by without a blog! :-)

The Findlay Flood

What started out as a dry summer has quickly changed. In the first two photos (you can click on them to see a bigger image), you see some of the devastation that occurred this past week in the Findlay area. On the day of the flood, Findlay did not get any rain, but it rained heavily in Mt. Blanchard & Ottawa which caused the Blanchard River to back up creating a flash flood. Some parts of Findlay had five to six feet of water in the houses & businesses.

Now...they are left with the daunting clean up process. That's where the next three photos come in. Yesterday a group of 23 people from my church (teens & adults) traveled to Findlay to help with the clean up. We were able to work on three projects (a restaurant downtown, a store near the river, and a home near the river). I worked at the home where we emptied their crawl space (which was jam packed). After the contents was emptied, it had to be sorted through...the trash items went to the curb & then items they wanted to keep had to be power washed (several of us came back very "damp" due to Paul's power washing antics). Although it was messy work, we had a good time and are very thankful for the opportunity to help out. (Did you see the picture of Marty grilling out for us? He's a man that comes prepared...brats & hot dogs!). :-)

Having had the opportunity to help in Bayou La Batre, Alabama twice after Hurricane Katrina, the sights & smells of yesterdays trip were all too familiar. My heart goes out to those people who have been affected. And just like Bayou La Batre was the "forgotten city" in Hurricane Katrina (so much emphasis was placed on New Orleans), I think that the smaller cities (such as Carey & Ottawa) have become the "forgotten cities" in this flood.

3 days down...177 to go!

Well...I'm back to work, and it's kicked my butt! This working "thing" is for the birds! :-) I enjoy the summers oh so much!

But...in all seriousness...it is great to be back, and it's nice to have the children so excited to see you. I forgot how much I missed their hugs! The week did wear me out, but I think part of that had to do with the temperatures. It's been in the 90's with very high humidity so the heat index has been over 100 degrees. That makes for extremely warm classrooms (especially seeing as how we do not have air conditioning). I have sweat so much this week! I'm not sure why I put any effort into getting ready because by 10:00 a.m. I'm soaked & stinky.

I'm hoping the temperature starts to drop because next week is a full week. I hope I make it through. :-)

A Tough Night

For some reason I have been thinking a lot about Matt tonight, and I really miss him right now. Part of the problem may be that we first met at MOD Squad's spring poker game. Last night I was joking about it, but it really did bring back a lot of memories. And on top of that...now that I'm back in school, people are asking a lot of questions. I appreciate the concern, but I just have to keep reliving all of the details.

I also had a teacher mention today that there's someone she'd like to set me up with in the future, and it just seems so weird. Part of me is excited to get "back on the horse", but the other part of me is so sad that I'm available.

I thought I had moved on, but I guess I'd just put a bandage on my broken heart because it's hurting again right now.

And The Winner Is...

Last night was our 3rd Annual Texas Hold 'Em Tournament for MOD Squad. We all enjoy playing the game and especially enjoy the fact that we can play it without using money! :-)

The first picture above is of Traci & Jeromy. Traci was the big winner last night, and as I was taking her picture, Jeromy jumped in. I told him I was going to say it was a picture of a winner & a loser. Jeromy was quick to point out the fact that he was not the first one to go out. So...I took a picture of the biggest loser - that's the second picture! :-)

World Pulse Festival

Earlier this week, my friend, Don, and I were talking on the phone. During the conversation, He mentioned that he had gotten tickets for the World Pulse Festival (an outdoor concert where 7 Christian artists/bands perform in South Bend, Indiana). There was a mix up with his tickets so he had a lot of extras and wondered if I'd be interested in going (he actually asked if Matt & I wanted to go...we obviously hadn't talked in over a month).

After discussing the situation with Matt, he told me I could invite anyone I wanted because he had plenty of tickets (the tickets are free if you order them in advance, but they are $75 at the door...Ralph - get over it & move on!). The next day I made a few phone calls to people I thought may be interested.

So...yesterday morning at 7:00 a.m., we loaded up the church van to head for the concert. It ended up that only one family from church was able to go, but we had a blast! There were 7 of us (Larry, Dawn, Nicole & Katie Pioterek, Solana - Nicole's friend, Adam Pioterek - Larry's brother, & Michelle - a really cute girl that has some great friends). :-) Larry & Adam added quite a sense of humor to the trip (Dawn kept apologizing for them, but I assured her that I enjoyed humor). In fact, my stomach muscles hurt from laughing so much when I got home last night. It was also nice because I got to know them all better - they attend my church and we talk, but yesterday gave us a chance to get to know each other and I appreciated that opportunity.

The concerts ran from 11:00 a.m. through about 6:15 p.m. During that time, we heard Krystal Meyers, Superchick, Sanctus Real (originally from the Toledo area), Desperation Band, Kutless, Third Day, and Michael W. Smith. It was a great day with great music!

On top of getting to know the Piotereks better & hearing some great music, it was also nice because I got to spend some time with Don. Don & I met at SoloCon in 2003 and have become pretty good friends. We talk on the phone, occasionally get together to go dancing or to see a football game, and we've always had two SoloCons each year. Due to some changes that have been made, we didn't have SoloCon in May so I haven't seen Don since the OSU v. Indiana game back in October. It was great to see him in person and to spend some time with him. I also got to see Jim (another friend from SoloCon). Jim lives about 20 mins. from South Bend so he came over for the last concert of the day.

How would I summarize my day?

Awesome!

Yesterday was just simply an awesome day!

Downtime

This song is on the new JoDee Messina CD I bought (her greatest hits), and I had to laugh at the words. It really seems to fit the situation I went through with Matt. I especially like the end of the first verse!

Verse 1:

I haven't been myself these days according to friends.
I tend to lose a part of me when my heart's on the mend.
I'll be alright it's safe to say
'Cause just like your love this is only a phase.

Verse 2:

Some might think I've gotten caught up in heartache's aftermath,
But your memory's taken second to a good book and nice long bath.
I must admit it threw me at first,
But I'm convinced I'm over the worst.

Chorus:

Oh, I've been on this road a time or two, it's nothing new.
I'll get on my feet and over you.
I tell myself that everything will be just fine.
I'm just going through a little downtime.

A Day at the Zoo

Last week, Lauren (my goddaughter - Jodi's daughter) asked me if I'd go to the zoo with her one more time before school started. We went in June and had a blast so there was no was I was going to tell her no. She's so much fun to take to the zoo because she absolutely loves the animals!

Yesterday we spent a total of over 6 (yes...that was 6...s-i-x) hours walking around. I'm telling you that we saw everything! :-) By the end of the day, we were all exhausted and had tired feet.

The picture above is of Jodi & Lauren on the carousel in the Africa exhibit.

You Didn't Complete Me

Did the title catch your attention? It certainly caught mine! I found this book while I was down with mom & dad and am so glad I bought it. It was written by a gal, Joanna Harris, who's love life is remarkably similar to mine. It was almost scary as I read the book!

As I began reading, I quickly realized that my thoughts about things were "normal", and she seemed to put what was happening & what had already happened into words that explained it all so well. So, I began marking the pages & highlighting sections that really struck me.

I've decided to put these things in my blog...maybe some of you will better understand my thought process or maybe there's someone reading this who needs the reassurance that you're not going through this alone (much like I felt when I read the book). Her words will be in italics, and any comments I make will be in parentheses. When you see Jack, substitute it for Mike, and when you see Ross, substitute it for Matt.

So...be prepared because this is going to be really long! (Feel free to skip it if you're not interested! You won't hurt my feelings!) :-)

Every expectation from every person was different. Even the expectations I put on myself were different. Everyone said I should be true to my feelings - be true to myself. Little did they know that inside, my true self was a raging parallel. I was glad he was out of my life. I missed him desperately. I was angry. I was sad. I was content. I was misplaced. I wished that things had gone as planned and that I was still getting married. I was relieved that I wasn't getting married. I was back where I belonged. I didn't belong anywhere. I felt guilty. I felt free. I felt strong and liberated. I felt like I would crumble at any moment.

It was hard. Hard to be myself when I didn't know who that was at the moment. Hard to fake it. Hard to be real. I was constantly overwhelmed with the feeling that I wanted to run. To hide out. I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me - where there wasn't any "way it used to be." But I knew I would long to be among my friends if I wasn't. I knew I would regret the run. Regret the chance to get my life back. To change it. To make it better somehow.

(As crazy as this all sounds...it's exactly what was going through my head - both times. I felt like I was always having an inner conflict!)

I couldn't face the emptiness. I've always been extremely independent and enjoyed being my myself. But this is different. This is...something worse than loneliness. Something much worse. While I'm driving I see our entire relationship flash before my eyes....I remember his face when he asked me to marry him. I remember his face when he said never mind. I remember his laugh and his heart and his way with words. All of these images flash in my mind without warning or reasoning. I feel as if my subconscious is trying to figure out what happened. Looking for the warning signs I missed along the way.

But there is no answer to the riddle. No reason for his dismissal of me. He just decided he didn't want to marry me. And that was that. The beginning of the end of us. Or maybe just the end. It was definitely the end of my lifelong way of thinking. The end of believing that true love can begin in an instant. That romance comes complete with background music and happy ending. It was definitely the beginning of discovering what I was made of. Discovering who it is God created me to be.

(The memories & flashbacks still haunt me at times. That's probably the worst part for me.)

My mind raced with all that had happened in the past year. The past three months. The past hour. I thought about how much I had loved Ross and how much he had hurt me. I thought about how unfair it all seemed and wondered how I was going to get through it. Sure, I was doing okay. Going to work every day and fulfilling obligations and spending time with friends. But the empty echo inside me rang louder. I was not, contrary to what I told everyone, fine.

...And although I wasn't trying to listen, although I was shutting Him out, I heard God speaking into my life. Telling me that my life isn't always what I think it should be. That things aren't always as they seem. That the marriage I was missing wasn't the marriage intended for me. That being in Seattle stuck on a mountaintop was far better than marrying the wrong person.

It had been easy for me to mourn what could have been and overlook what actually was. But I realized up there that in the midst of my heartbreak, I was actually being saved from far worse. I never would have experienced this mountain had it not been for the valley. The only reason I was still enough and quiet enough to hear Him was because of the acute pain I was running from.

(As hard as it is to admit, this was so real for me. I went through a period where I began to push God away. I was angry with Him for allowing me to go through such pain - especially the second time around. I didn't understand why He could let such a thing happen to me, but then it really hit me...my favorite verse came to mind..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Although it was hard to grasp onto, I knew it to be true...mainly because He'd gotten me through the first time, and my life has been extremely good! What was I complaining about?)

...I wanted to slam the door and hide. I wanted to put my phone on Do Not Disturb and lay under my desk. Climb out the window. Shimmy down the drainpipe. Run away. Because I can handle all this breakup stuff as long as no one addresses it. As long as it's a secret. The past is easier to ignore if no one knows.

My friend Michell was sitting next to me and her new boyfriend came over and sat down beside her. He put his arm around her waist, and due to the overcrowding, he was practically touching me too. For some reason, it made my heart sad and my cheeks burn. It made me recognize The Void.

The Void seems to be responsible for so many things. Feeling alone. Crying at night. Some girls would rather be with someone who lies to them than face The Void alone. Fortunately, I'm not that bad off. Yet. I'm still in the fight, wrestling the battle of the empty echo. The hollow thump. Because breaking up is losing your best friend. Your last call of the day. Your Valentine. Your New Year's kiss at midnight. And sometimes, the person you expect to spend your life with. When I lost Ross, I lost more than a Friday night date. I lost it all, or at least it felt like I did. My entire future was wrapped up in him - and then he was gone. It made me not want to trust anyone else, including God. Everyone says to run to God in times of heartbreak - but that was sometimes the last place I wanted to go. At that time, even a relationship with God seemed scary. What if He abandons me too? What if He leaves?

Maybe there comes a certain point for many of us when we think it's about time to get something going. It's about time to be in love and settle down. Maybe the first person that manages to stumble in our general direction becomes our greatest heart's desire. I wonder...is this what Ross did? Did he think it was about time he fell in love and I happened along? Did he want to get married before he reached a certain age and thought I would fit the bill well enough? Did he tell me he loved me just so he could tell someone? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.

Maybe he never meant all the things he said to me. Maybe they were just things he had always wanted to say. Maybe they were just things I wanted to say - and to hear in return. Maybe the lines between what's real and what we believe is expected of us are invisible. Maybe our current surroundings have left us wanting.

Ross's words meant something to me. And they left an emptiness in me when taken away. I didn't think it was possible for someone to tell me that he loved me forever and then change his mind. Never expected someone to ask me to marry him and then say no thanks. I also didn't anticipate the barren wasteland that my heart would become. The well of loneliness so deep there wasn't room for anyone but me.

(I've pondered this quite a bit...why did he say the things he said? Why did he make plans with me - even after promising to be careful with my heart? I have so many questions that probably will never be answered.)

...I had found what I thought to be happiness. The forever kind. But forever didn't last.

...It wasn't that I thought about him constantly. But the few thoughts I did have were so powerful. Sometimes they ran me over and I would forget where I was or how I got there. How I became an all-alone person. How I lost my reality and woke up in this bad dream that I now found myself living. Life without Jack. I wanted to wake up and for all the world to be right. At least my kind of right. A world where he and I made sense and were good and where we lived happily ever after. A place where I wouldn't lie in bed at night and cry, not always knowing why.

I think I wanted someone to notice I was losing it without my having to tell them. I wanted someone to offer the answer without having to ask the question. I didn't want anyone to know - but I wanted everyone to help.

When I lost Ross, I didn't feel as if all life had ended. I had already learned where my value truly lies. I knew that God was big enough and strong enough to see me through the worst. I knew that losing Ross didn't mean I had lost the best part of me....And I know God is there and He is the One who makes me whole and restores me. I know that when I think He's lingering far away, He knows exactly where I am. He hasn't forgotten me or abandoned me, even though I may feel as if He has.

I remember how long it took me to get rid of the baggage from my relationship with Jack. I carried that hurt around in plain view for, well, years. Three years, actually. I'm not proud of this fact. But, it cannot be denied. This hurt, this injustice, became my identity. I carried it around with me everywhere I went and just became more and more bent over from the weight. Every new person I met would be mentally put through the hurt filter. Will this person hurt me too? Will they understand how fragile I am? Truth is, most people didn't seem to care who I was or what I'd been through, which I immediately chalked up to another injustice to my already heavy grudge. Woe is me, I thought. No one could ever love me. And that's true. Who would want to love a bent-over, bitter grudge transporter?

(This hit me hard! It's exactly what I did with the hurt from my relationship with Mike. I even screened Matt through the hurt filter...little good it did.)

...But I realized that I had been lying to myself. These memories were just that, memories. His promises would never come true, no matter how many times I read them. His picture would always be a smile in the past. This fact sat like a stone inside me, but I knew it was true.

...I realized that sometimes people don't turn out the way we thought they would. That the good life we wish we had isn't always better than the life we've got. That following your heart isn't always the best thing to do. Don't gasp - it's true. If I followed my heart, I would still be waiting for him.

Some say that the hard times either break you or make you stronger. I think it's both. I think they're the same thing. Isaiah 48:10 says that God refines us, but not as silver. He tests us in the furnace of affliction. Wow. Sounds harsh at first, but I think it's actually quite good. Life is life. Things happen, things that afflict and hurt and cause us pain. This refining process isn't always easy. God uses these afflictions, these hurts, to shape our hearts. But I trust Him. Even when things don't make sense and seem too heavy to endure. He uses circumstances to grow us. To grow me. I wonder if God can see His reflection in me yet.

(To this I say "Amen!" The "refining process" has not been easy, but I want to be the person He wants me to be...no matter what it takes to get me to that point.)

My friends have seen the best in me - and the worst. Oddly enough, none of them have run screaming or sighed a disinterested yawn. Or worse, none of them have cut me off. Shut me out. They just love me over and over and over in spite of myself.

...Friends who understand without demands or questions or selfish motives. So many people had been bombarding me with curiosities and inquiries that I was on the verge of a volatile episode. But not Beth and Ape. They were patient and thoughtful of exactly what I needed - which was time.

...have seen the the worst parts of me and choose to love me still. Maybe even a little more. They could care less if I'm married or single or rich or poor or short or tall. They don't love me for who I was supposed to be. They love me for who I am. Sure, I would like to be married someday and share that part of life with them. But for now, I know that I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve...Because of them I am a better person. Because of them, I have survived. Because of them, I know Christ more.

They were there for me the first time. And the second. So no matter what heart-wrenching situation I find myself in, they will love me and pray for me some more. Even when I don't want them to. When I give up, they keep on. I think, I hope, that if I find myself in another desert of loneliness - when I think that God has abandoned me and given up on me - I hope I will have the wherewithal to remember His most creative gift to me. My friends. He knew how much I would need them. Knows how much I need them still Because of them, I am not alone.

(During the past couple of months, Traci & Jodi have been my Beth & Ape...they have been there for me - even when I didn't feel like talking. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for them! But...it even goes beyond Traci & Jodi. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends - an overwhelming gift for me to comprehend at times.)

Only Jesus. Only He can fill The Void, heal the ache, calm the storm. I think we've all said that once or twice, but is it how we live? Is it how I live? Not always...but I'm learning. I'm learning that the lesson I've learned thirty-two times before is still a good lesson learned. God created me to be exactly me, to show His character in a unique way. I am accepted and loved, period.

It's the truth. And I've decided to start living in this truth, even if there are still small parts of me that need convincing. The God of all things, the God of Abraham and Moses and Paul, accepts me as I am. Wants me. Fulfills me. Likes me. And He won't abandon me, won't leave me.

Psalm 136 says that His love endures forever - twenty-six times! I guess God knew I would need to hear that more than once. More than twice. More.

(I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the quickest, but if I stick with something long enough, I learn it. I'm sure glad God's patient with me!)

I am the woman I am because of the heartbreak I've lived through.
This doesn't mean I cherish heartbreak. It doesn't mean I want to go through it again. Doesn't even mean that these experiences were always God's best for me. But it also doesn't mean that they weren't.

Finding The One. I'd like to know the rules, since I seem to be so bad at it. Can there be more than one? Is it possible to meet a Soul Mate, it doesn't work out, and you meet another one? Is a Soul Mate only the person you marry? And if that's true - what is a Soul Mate? I wouldn't know, never having found one. I thought I did. Twice. What's wrong with me that I could get such a huge thing wrong - twice? Ugh!

(I certainly thought about this after Mike - wondered how I could have been so wrong. When it happened the second time with Matt, it was almost comical...not only did I screw it up once, but I screwed it up twice. I think that was one thing that relieved me a bit when I started reading the book...I wasn't the only one who messed it up.)

The only part about him I miss now is the physical. I miss his touch. I miss his lips. I miss his embrace. The way he looked at me that made me feel pretty. That spark disguised as "knowing". And that's it. I don't miss anything else.

(I sure do miss the physical part...miss being held in his arms the most.)

...There were lifelong wishes that seemed to come true with him. There were things I never knew I wanted that he was. He answered all the longing and satisfied all the needs. But who he has now revealed himself to actually be is nothing of the man I loved. His facade faded and the reality of him was devastating.

(Unfortunately the same is true of Matt. It appears he was living two very different lives...the one was the man I fell in love with, but the second is so different from the first. This reality was devastating...I thought I knew him, but it turns out he really doesn't know who he is.)

So...that's that! For those of you who completely read this entry, I hope it shed some light on my thoughts...my life.

I Survived!

(Here comes the music again...) Once I was afraid, I was petrified... How fitting! If you read the previous post, you know about my class reunion that was tonight, and it was better than I had hoped! Thank you so much for your thoughts & prayers! There's no doubt in my mind that they played a large role in tonight's success. Every time I went out to my car, to get a drink, to use the bathroom (basically anytime I wasn't with the group), I would pray & thank God for how the evening was going.

The turnout wasn't as good as they had hoped...only 20-25 graduates showed up, but by the end of the evening every single girl, and even some of the guys, approached me to tell me how great I looked. Several even mentioned that they didn't recognize me. They said they couldn't get over how great I looked and how well my life was going. While we were talking, several of them also mentioned how much they liked me in high school...they said I was always so nice to everyone. That surprised me considering how I was treated, but as I thought about it I realized that some of them didn't actually do the taunting. It was more of a guilt by association...they were there when it happened but never did anything to stop it.

But...I was able to be me, and I left tonight glad that I'd went. Thanks again to those of you who prayed for me! You're all great!