I'm Back!

The past year has been a rough one - to my family & close friends...this is nothing new to you, but to those who have seen me while I'm wearing my "mask"...you may be surprised. I've been thinking a lot about what I wanted to tell you & how I should say it, but nothing seemed "perfect" so...I decided to tell it like it was & is. Here you go:

The past few months have been a time of relization for me. 1) I realized that I'd not been letting God have everything - part of me was afraid I'd be hurt again & another part of me didn't trust Him enough to give Him all. I can't begin to explain how that's affected my life! Words cannot express the grief I've caused myself because once again I tried to live this life on my own only to feel more lonely than I can remember feeling in a very long time! 2) I realized that I'd become very depressed - while I knew it wasn't "me", I didn't know how to get "me" back. There were things I wanted to do (like blog) but I just didn't care enough or have the energy to do it. After a great talk with my mom during Christmas break, I decided to seek medical help & am so thankful I did! 3) I realized how lucky I am to have a family physician who's a Christian - not only did he help me medically, but he also took time out of his busy schedule to help me spiritually. 4) I realized I needed to rely on people - when I'm at my lowest, they can be there to help me & listen to me. This is not easy for me - I've come to learn more about myself this year & have found that I'm very independent...almost to a fault. Maybe it's because I've lived on my own for so long...maybe it's because I'm afraid to trust someone with my heart...maybe it's because I'm a bit controlling...there's many things it could be, but the fact is I need to rely on people God has put in my life. I need to express my needs & be willing to be vulnerable in order to get help. 5) Most importantly...I realized I needed to come face to face with God! I realized there were things I've been thinking, but I'd been trying to keep them from God. How ridiculous, huh?!? But...I did it. So...God & I had a long, much needed heart to heart conversation back in January. I told Him everything (even though He already knew it) because it made me give it up. I told Him how hurt I was & how upset I was. How could He let this happen to me? And why did it have to keep happening to me? Hadn't I learned enough the first time? The conversation went on & on - me telling Him everything, and ended with a broken person just crying out for help. That's when I felt Him the most & knew it was going to be okay!

I've grown so much over the past few months, but I'm still a work in progress (probably always will be). :-) I forgot to tell you one other realization I had...I'm going to be okay!!!

Thanks to all of you who have been there & supported me! My apologies to those I kept in the dark about everything! And all my love to God & those who have helped me on this path of healing! I'm back! It's me!