Dealing with the Emotional Side

Matt called to break up with me on Wednesday, June 27, and my life was a whirlwind for the next few days. On top of preparing to head to North Carolina for three weeks, I was also dealing with my initial emotions & reactions as well as preparing for our CD release concert at church that Sunday. I think it was good that I was busy because it kept my mind occupied, and then I was on the road heading down south.

My trip there (as I've already said) couldn't have been timed any better. I really needed time to get away from everything and think things through. I'm very thankful I had that time and have seen some things (even Matt) in a different light. But now...things are different.

While I was in North Carolina, I was able to ignore the phone calls of concerned friends (because I really didn't feel like rehashing things over & over - if your phone call was one I ignored, please understand that I just couldn't deal with it at that point) if I didn't feel like talking, and I was able to separate myself from the situation. Now, however, I'm back in the heart of the situation, and I'm finding it a bit tough to deal with the emotions. I've been a bit blind-sided by all of the memories and people wanting to know how I'm doing. (If you're one who wants to know...I'm doing okay. I really am - especially considering how I was after the whole ordeal with Mike, but I'm still hurting.)

Don't get me wrong...I really appreciate the fact that people are concerned about me and care about me. I also enjoyed the time I had with Matt & the memories we made. But...none of that makes what I'm going through any easier. On top of that, I went from being with mom & dad for three weeks to sitting in my apartment all alone.

I've been trying to stay busy and have done a good job with that during the day, but the nights have been tough. When I should be sleeping, thoughts are flying through my mind. In an effort to get my mind off of him & the current situation, I've browsed the internet for hours...I've munched like never before...I've tried reading books & magazines...the list goes on & on. But...sleep refuses to come. The past two nights it's been after 1:00 a.m., and even though I'm really tired right now, I can't get my mind to stop long enough to fall asleep.

I wish I could get to the point of being okay with being alone again. I know I can get there because I've been there, but it's so hard to accept loneliness when I've had companionship. The feeling of being lonely really stinks!