Realization

Today, as I was taking a shower & thinking about life, something dawned on me that I found to be interesting. For those of you who have known me for a long time or who know me well, you know about Mike. If you don't know about Mike, this may not make as much sense, but you'll just have to make do.

Mike & I dated for a little over four months. During that time, I began to fall in love with him, and he started to talk about future plans with me. He would take me to open houses to look at things we'd like in "our dream house", and we would do internet research to see possible places where we would like to live. I really thought this was going to be the man I married, and if you would have asked me, I would have told you I was totally in love with him. When he told me good-bye, I was devastated! I have never had a broken heart like I experienced at that point. It took me a very long time to get over Mike (in fact as I began dating Matt, I realized there are still some fears & old hurts I needed to get over still).

Now fast-forward six years. During those six years, my social life has been pretty uneventful. Why? I'm not totally sure, but part of the reason is that I've been afraid of getting hurt. I've made a lot of male friends, but I've always been sure to keep a safe distance...friendships are much safer than relationships. However this all changed during the past six months.

If you've been reading my blog, you know that I had an eventful first few months this year. It was kind of overwhelming at times, but it was also fun because it was so different from what I was used to. The conclusion to those months found me meeting Matt.

Matt & I dated for three months, and I was swept off of my feet. Things seemed to go so well from the beginning, and within two weeks Matt had already begun talking to me about the future. As strange as it may sound, it didn't scare me...at least for the most part. I opened up to him about Mike, and I asked him to be careful with my heart. I told him that I couldn't go through that again...I didn't think I was strong enough...I asked him to not say things if he didn't really mean them. He stopped briefly (he said he wanted to be sure), but after this he told me he loved me and asked me if I would consider marrying him. I couldn't believe the feelings I had for him...they didn't even compare to my feelings for Mike. He asked if I'd be okay with us getting engaged at the end of July or beginning of August. I was so excited as we began to make plans for our wedding. He even had us pick out our wedding party, and we discussed the number of children we wanted to have (we even started working on names). On June 27th, this all came crashing down around me when Matt called me (yes...he did it over the phone) to tell me things weren't going to work out between us.

To this day, I don't know exactly what happened to change his mind, but I've discovered a new side of him I didn't totally know existed. I know, without a shadow of a doubt that God was watching out for me. So...to get to my realization (sorry this is taking so long).

I realized today that I went through the exact same thing I had with Mike, but this time is was even on a grander scale. And...I've survived! I was strong enough to get through this, and I'm going to be okay! There are still times I find myself missing him...or maybe I just miss that idea of him...someone to love, someone to hold me in his arms, someone to plan a future with...even the thought of spending my life with someone (because it was becoming a reality for me). I struggle with those things, but it's been good for me to be in North Carolina...time away to gain some perspective.

On the day Matt called me, my mom said that if Matt wasn't the person God had chosen for me to spend my life with...just think of how special that person will be & how much I'll love him!

I don't know why I've had to go through not one but two heartbreaks. I don't know why I've been allowed to start planning for a wedding that now isn't going to take place (and I'm already sick of the phone calls & e-mail messages that are just a constant reminder of that fact). But...I know that God loves me, and He has something very special in store for me! As impatient as I can be, I'm going to have to wait, but I know His plan will be so much better than anything I could do on my own (and hey...look on the bright side...there's not as much wedding planning/purchasing to do when it finally happens)! :-)