Did the title catch your attention? It certainly caught mine! I found this book while I was down with mom & dad and am so glad I bought it. It was written by a gal, Joanna Harris, who's love life is remarkably similar to mine. It was almost scary as I read the book!
As I began reading, I quickly realized that my thoughts about things were "normal", and she seemed to put what was happening & what had already happened into words that explained it all so well. So, I began marking the pages & highlighting sections that really struck me.
I've decided to put these things in my blog...maybe some of you will better understand my thought process or maybe there's someone reading this who needs the reassurance that you're not going through this alone (much like I felt when I read the book). Her words will be in italics, and any comments I make will be in parentheses. When you see Jack, substitute it for Mike, and when you see Ross, substitute it for Matt.
So...be prepared because this is going to be
really long! (Feel free to skip it if you're not interested! You won't hurt my feelings!) :-)
Every expectation from every person was different. Even the expectations I put on myself were different. Everyone said I should be true to my feelings - be true to myself. Little did they know that inside, my true self was a raging parallel. I was glad he was out of my life. I missed him desperately. I was angry. I was sad. I was content. I was misplaced. I wished that things had gone as planned and that I was still getting married. I was relieved that I wasn't getting married. I was back where I belonged. I didn't belong anywhere. I felt guilty. I felt free. I felt strong and liberated. I felt like I would crumble at any moment.
It was hard. Hard to be myself when I didn't know who that was at the moment. Hard to fake it. Hard to be real. I was constantly overwhelmed with the feeling that I wanted to run. To hide out. I wanted to go somewhere where no one knew me - where there wasn't any "way it used to be." But I knew I would long to be among my friends if I wasn't. I knew I would regret the run. Regret the chance to get my life back. To change it. To make it better somehow.
(As crazy as this all sounds...it's exactly what was going through my head - both times. I felt like I was always having an inner conflict!)
I couldn't face the emptiness. I've always been extremely independent and enjoyed being my myself. But this is different. This is...something worse than loneliness. Something much worse. While I'm driving I see our entire relationship flash before my eyes....I remember his face when he asked me to marry him. I remember his face when he said never mind. I remember his laugh and his heart and his way with words. All of these images flash in my mind without warning or reasoning. I feel as if my subconscious is trying to figure out what happened. Looking for the warning signs I missed along the way.
But there is no answer to the riddle. No reason for his dismissal of me. He just decided he didn't want to marry me. And that was that. The beginning of the end of us. Or maybe just the end. It was definitely the end of my lifelong way of thinking. The end of believing that true love can begin in an instant. That romance comes complete with background music and happy ending. It was definitely the beginning of discovering what I was made of. Discovering who it is God created me to be.
(The memories & flashbacks still haunt me at times. That's probably the worst part for me.)
My mind raced with all that had happened in the past year. The past three months. The past hour. I thought about how much I had loved Ross and how much he had hurt me. I thought about how unfair it all seemed and wondered how I was going to get through it. Sure, I was doing okay. Going to work every day and fulfilling obligations and spending time with friends. But the empty echo inside me rang louder. I was not, contrary to what I told everyone, fine.
...And although I wasn't trying to listen, although I was shutting Him out, I heard God speaking into my life. Telling me that my life isn't always what I think it should be. That things aren't always as they seem. That the marriage I was missing wasn't the marriage intended for me. That being in Seattle stuck on a mountaintop was far better than marrying the wrong person.
It had been easy for me to mourn what could have been and overlook what actually was. But I realized up there that in the midst of my heartbreak, I was actually being saved from far worse. I never would have experienced this mountain had it not been for the valley. The only reason I was still enough and quiet enough to hear Him was because of the acute pain I was running from.
(As hard as it is to admit, this was so real for me. I went through a period where I began to push God away. I was angry with Him for allowing me to go through such pain - especially the second time around. I didn't understand why He could let such a thing happen to me, but then it really hit me...my favorite verse came to mind..."For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Although it was hard to grasp onto, I knew it to be true...mainly because He'd gotten me through the first time, and my life has been extremely good! What was I complaining about?)
...I wanted to slam the door and hide. I wanted to put my phone on Do Not Disturb and lay under my desk. Climb out the window. Shimmy down the drainpipe. Run away. Because I can handle all this breakup stuff as long as no one addresses it. As long as it's a secret. The past is easier to ignore if no one knows.
My friend Michell was sitting next to me and her new boyfriend came over and sat down beside her. He put his arm around her waist, and due to the overcrowding, he was practically touching me too. For some reason, it made my heart sad and my cheeks burn. It made me recognize The Void.
The Void seems to be responsible for so many things. Feeling alone. Crying at night. Some girls would rather be with someone who lies to them than face The Void alone. Fortunately, I'm not that bad off. Yet. I'm still in the fight, wrestling the battle of the empty echo. The hollow thump. Because breaking up is losing your best friend. Your last call of the day. Your Valentine. Your New Year's kiss at midnight. And sometimes, the person you expect to spend your life with. When I lost Ross, I lost more than a Friday night date. I lost it all, or at least it felt like I did. My entire future was wrapped up in him - and then he was gone. It made me not want to trust anyone else, including God. Everyone says to run to God in times of heartbreak - but that was sometimes the last place I wanted to go. At that time, even a relationship with God seemed scary. What if He abandons me too? What if He leaves?
Maybe there comes a certain point for many of us when we think it's about time to get something going. It's about time to be in love and settle down. Maybe the first person that manages to stumble in our general direction becomes our greatest heart's desire. I wonder...is this what Ross did? Did he think it was about time he fell in love and I happened along? Did he want to get married before he reached a certain age and thought I would fit the bill well enough? Did he tell me he loved me just so he could tell someone? I don't know. I don't think I'll ever know.
Maybe he never meant all the things he said to me. Maybe they were just things he had always wanted to say. Maybe they were just things I wanted to say - and to hear in return. Maybe the lines between what's real and what we believe is expected of us are invisible. Maybe our current surroundings have left us wanting.
Ross's words meant something to me. And they left an emptiness in me when taken away. I didn't think it was possible for someone to tell me that he loved me forever and then change his mind. Never expected someone to ask me to marry him and then say no thanks. I also didn't anticipate the barren wasteland that my heart would become. The well of loneliness so deep there wasn't room for anyone but me.
(I've pondered this quite a bit...why did he say the things he said? Why did he make plans with me - even after promising to be careful with my heart? I have so many questions that probably will never be answered.)
...I had found what I thought to be happiness. The forever kind. But forever didn't last.
...It wasn't that I thought about him constantly. But the few thoughts I did have were so powerful. Sometimes they ran me over and I would forget where I was or how I got there. How I became an all-alone person. How I lost my reality and woke up in this bad dream that I now found myself living. Life without Jack. I wanted to wake up and for all the world to be right. At least my kind of right. A world where he and I made sense and were good and where we lived happily ever after. A place where I wouldn't lie in bed at night and cry, not always knowing why.
I think I wanted someone to notice I was losing it without my having to tell them. I wanted someone to offer the answer without having to ask the question. I didn't want anyone to know - but I wanted everyone to help.
When I lost Ross, I didn't feel as if all life had ended. I had already learned where my value truly lies. I knew that God was big enough and strong enough to see me through the worst. I knew that losing Ross didn't mean I had lost the best part of me....And I know God is there and He is the One who makes me whole and restores me. I know that when I think He's lingering far away, He knows exactly where I am. He hasn't forgotten me or abandoned me, even though I may feel as if He has.
I remember how long it took me to get rid of the baggage from my relationship with Jack. I carried that hurt around in plain view for, well, years. Three years, actually. I'm not proud of this fact. But, it cannot be denied. This hurt, this injustice, became my identity. I carried it around with me everywhere I went and just became more and more bent over from the weight. Every new person I met would be mentally put through the hurt filter. Will this person hurt me too? Will they understand how fragile I am? Truth is, most people didn't seem to care who I was or what I'd been through, which I immediately chalked up to another injustice to my already heavy grudge. Woe is me, I thought. No one could ever love me. And that's true. Who would want to love a bent-over, bitter grudge transporter?
(This hit me hard! It's exactly what I did with the hurt from my relationship with Mike. I even screened Matt through the hurt filter...little good it did.)
...But I realized that I had been lying to myself. These memories were just that, memories. His promises would never come true, no matter how many times I read them. His picture would always be a smile in the past. This fact sat like a stone inside me, but I knew it was true.
...I realized that sometimes people don't turn out the way we thought they would. That the good life we wish we had isn't always better than the life we've got. That following your heart isn't always the best thing to do. Don't gasp - it's true. If I followed my heart, I would still be waiting for him.
Some say that the hard times either break you or make you stronger. I think it's both. I think they're the same thing. Isaiah 48:10 says that God refines us, but not as silver. He tests us in the furnace of affliction. Wow. Sounds harsh at first, but I think it's actually quite good. Life is life. Things happen, things that afflict and hurt and cause us pain. This refining process isn't always easy. God uses these afflictions, these hurts, to shape our hearts. But I trust Him. Even when things don't make sense and seem too heavy to endure. He uses circumstances to grow us. To grow me. I wonder if God can see His reflection in me yet.
(To this I say "Amen!" The "refining process" has not been easy, but I want to be the person He wants me to be...no matter what it takes to get me to that point.)
My friends have seen the best in me - and the worst. Oddly enough, none of them have run screaming or sighed a disinterested yawn. Or worse, none of them have cut me off. Shut me out. They just love me over and over and over in spite of myself.
...Friends who understand without demands or questions or selfish motives. So many people had been bombarding me with curiosities and inquiries that I was on the verge of a volatile episode. But not Beth and Ape. They were patient and thoughtful of exactly what I needed - which was time.
...have seen the the worst parts of me and choose to love me still. Maybe even a little more. They could care less if I'm married or single or rich or poor or short or tall. They don't love me for who I was supposed to be. They love me for who I am. Sure, I would like to be married someday and share that part of life with them. But for now, I know that I'm blessed beyond anything I deserve...Because of them I am a better person. Because of them, I have survived. Because of them, I know Christ more.
They were there for me the first time. And the second. So no matter what heart-wrenching situation I find myself in, they will love me and pray for me some more. Even when I don't want them to. When I give up, they keep on. I think, I hope, that if I find myself in another desert of loneliness - when I think that God has abandoned me and given up on me - I hope I will have the wherewithal to remember His most creative gift to me. My friends. He knew how much I would need them. Knows how much I need them still Because of them, I am not alone.
(During the past couple of months, Traci & Jodi have been my Beth & Ape...they have been there for me - even when I didn't feel like talking. Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I am so grateful for them! But...it even goes beyond Traci & Jodi. God has truly blessed me with some amazing friends - an overwhelming gift for me to comprehend at times.)
Only Jesus. Only He can fill The Void, heal the ache, calm the storm. I think we've all said that once or twice, but is it how we live? Is it how I live? Not always...but I'm learning. I'm learning that the lesson I've learned thirty-two times before is still a good lesson learned. God created me to be exactly me, to show His character in a unique way. I am accepted and loved, period.
It's the truth. And I've decided to start living in this truth, even if there are still small parts of me that need convincing. The God of all things, the God of Abraham and Moses and Paul, accepts me as I am. Wants me. Fulfills me. Likes me. And He won't abandon me, won't leave me.
Psalm 136 says that His love endures forever - twenty-six times! I guess God knew I would need to hear that more than once. More than twice. More.
(I'll be the first to admit that I'm not always the quickest, but if I stick with something long enough, I learn it. I'm sure glad God's patient with me!)
I am the woman I am because of the heartbreak I've lived through.
This doesn't mean I cherish heartbreak. It doesn't mean I want to go through it again. Doesn't even mean that these experiences were always God's best for me. But it also doesn't mean that they weren't.
Finding The One. I'd like to know the rules, since I seem to be so bad at it. Can there be more than one? Is it possible to meet a Soul Mate, it doesn't work out, and you meet another one? Is a Soul Mate only the person you marry? And if that's true - what is a Soul Mate? I wouldn't know, never having found one. I thought I did. Twice. What's wrong with me that I could get such a huge thing wrong - twice? Ugh!
(I certainly thought about this after Mike - wondered how I could have been so wrong. When it happened the second time with Matt, it was almost comical...not only did I screw it up once, but I screwed it up twice. I think that was one thing that relieved me a bit when I started reading the book...I wasn't the only one who messed it up.)
The only part about him I miss now is the physical. I miss his touch. I miss his lips. I miss his embrace. The way he looked at me that made me feel pretty. That spark disguised as "knowing". And that's it. I don't miss anything else.
(I sure do miss the physical part...miss being held in his arms the most.)
...There were lifelong wishes that seemed to come true with him. There were things I never knew I wanted that he was. He answered all the longing and satisfied all the needs. But who he has now revealed himself to actually be is nothing of the man I loved. His facade faded and the reality of him was devastating.
(Unfortunately the same is true of Matt. It appears he was living two very different lives...the one was the man I fell in love with, but the second is so different from the first. This reality was devastating...I thought I knew him, but it turns out he really doesn't know who he is.)
So...that's that! For those of you who completely read this entry, I hope it shed some light on my thoughts...my life.
